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YOU are the only one who could make me happy
my only source of joy
but the moment you started walking out of my life
i'm left with nothing
nothing but sadness
and a heart that is shattered into pieces.

i think i'm too free.haha.another questionaire.(:

#1 Would you date one of your closest friends? - nah i don't think so. i wouldn't want to risk losing a friendship but then again don't relationships usually start from friends? hmm...

#2 Do you find gay people hot? - haha. yeah. some are really hot and good looking. it's a pity man. ):

#3 At what age do you want to die? - i want to die before my husband does so i wouldn't have to weep and mourn for him. i don't want to die lonely and sad.

#4 Which is hotter? Male models or female models? - usually the female ones are hotter. haha. somehow all male models' bodies all look the same to me. :/

#5 Do you wish to have people crying or laughing during your funeral? - definitely not laughing. smiling (: cos' they know that i'll be safe in God's arms.(:

#6 Would you hang out with a transexual? - i guess so?

#7 Have you learned karma sutra? - nope.

#8 Would you accept your friend/children if they told you they're gay/bisexual? - yup.

#9 Ever wanted to hold a loaded gun and point it to your head - just for fun? - hold a loaded gun yes. point it to my head no. crazy.why will i want to do that?

#10 Have you used a person before just to feel great about yourself? - nope.NEVER.

#11 Ever told your friends that they looked great/pretty and never meant it? - haha. yeah. i wouldn't want to hurt their feelings what.(:

#12 Have you ever laughed so hard 'till you peed? - haha. dun think so. but i've ever laughed so hard 'till i want to pee.

#13 Do you wish to be your favourite animal for a day? - haha. i don't mind.(:

#14 What are your fears and have you confronted them? - many many. fear of losing him. fear of getting retained. fear of getting really fat. fear of balloons. haha. nope.

#15 Ever blogged about someone that pissed you off and also mentioned their names? - haha. nahh. but i made it obvious though.

#16 Have you made fun of a song by completely changing the lyrics? - ermm...i think so.

#17 Been short on cash when paying for something? - sometimes.

#18 Do you have an autograph from someone famous? - i think so but can't remember where i put it. :/

#19 Made a survey before?- yeah. pw survey.


just came back from dinner.guess who i saw? amandie! :D haha.went church for a short while today then had to rush to yishun for monthly shoot.sigh.but at least i improved.yay! (: hopefully i'll continue to improve.i better be.haha.

anyway i'm really tired of being a dgl.just feel like giving up right now.sigh.i seriously don't see how i can lead the girls closer to God when me myself ain't close to God and i don't think i'm setting a good example for them as well.): but then again it would be very irresponsible of me to just leave them and sigh.they've been really sweet.think they know both me and jing are feeling this way so they're planning for dg outing in the sept hols so that we can just bond and grow closer.sigh.someone please tell me what i should do?


to love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MICH! :D

anyway, vera came to my house just now and she brought me ice coffee.(: haha.the coffee is really good.(: anyway, we talked about a lot of stuff and what she said is really true.one doesn't need to have many close friends, just one or two will do.and i'm glad she's always been there for me despite all odds.(: if you're reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH! :D I LOVE YOU LOADS! :D heh.went to sing karaoke with her after that.haha.had fun and yup.i enjoyed myself though my singing sucks.(:

hmm...have i really changed? :/ everyone tells me so and yeah i think i did.vera said she didn't dare to tell me for fear that it'll hurt my feelings.haha.i'm a lot more quieter now apparently and less crazy.sigh.i dunno if i can find the old me back but i'll try.

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01. What time is it now? - 11.34 am

02. What are you doing? - downloading songs

03. Thinking of Anyone? - yup.

04. Are you Happy/Blur/Sad? - more to the blur side.

05. Why? - cos' i'm still feeling sleepy. :/ yawns...

06. What is the last thing you ate? - fried beehoon.haha.

07. Last thing that you've heard that made you cry? - nothing i guess.

08. Whats the last movie that made you cry? - haha.helen the baby fox.

09. Who do you wish to be by your side? - him.

10. Regretted anything in this month? - yeah.

11. Did you fall in love/out of love in this month? - i dunno.

12. Who was the last person you talked to? - my elder bro?

13. Who was the last person you hugged? - my mom i think.(:

14. Who was the last person you sms? - uncle keith

15. What did you dream of today? - i dreamt about some empress thingy last night.can't rmb but i know it's really strange. :/

16. Who can make you laugh? - anyone who's funny? (:

17. Who always takes care of you?- God and my parents

18. Anyone you know is in pain? - myself? haha.

19. What happen? - i'd rather keep it to myself.

20. What do you wanna do before you die? - haven't really thought about it.hopefully i won't die the next day.haha.

21. What song is stuck in your head? - toyko drift by the teriyaki boys.one of the funniest songs i've ever heard.haha.(:

22. What song are you listening now? - nickleback's if everyone cared

23. Worried about anyone? - yeah.

24. What age do you wanna get married? - hopefully 25? haha.

25. How many children do you want? - 2 at least.(:

26. Where do you wanna go for Honeymoon? - europe? aye.i dunno.anywhere as long as i'm with the person i love.(:

27. Any plans in this 2 month? - study and study and more studying! ): oh yes.and complete my irritating pw.

28. Describe a perfect wedding? - haven't thought about it but i want it to be somewhere in the outdoors.(:

29. Describe a perfect Date? - sigh.anything as long as i'm with the guy i love.

30. Where would you like to go for Holiday? - japan? haha.FOOD!

31. Do you play instrument? - haha.recorder? piano with one hand? okay.i'm hopeless when it comes to playing instruments.

32. Do you have a band? - nahh.

33. What songs do you listen to?- mostly rock and sad emo songs.

34. Wish you could die? - nope.not yet.

35. Do you give up easily? - yeah.sometimes.i'm half half.

36. Do you know anyone that acts like a kid? - duh? many many.

37. Do you know anyone that is rude? - yeah.many many too.

38. What's the sweetest thing anyone ever done? - not to be revealed.actually it's more like i'm lazy to think.heh.

39. Any sweet unforgetful memories with your Ex? - nah.i dun have an ex yet.haha.

40. Honestly.. Which Ex did you love the most? - see the previous answer

41. Who do you want to be hugged by? - my bolster.haha.but it hugs me every night.ermm..him then.(:

42. Single or Taken? - ermm..taken i think.


wahh.i'm really bored.haha.(:

dunno why i get so tired easily these few days.sigh.):

anyway, we celebrated teachers' day today.it's how weird lah. :/ doesn't even feel like it.but at least we ended school early and next friday will be a holiday for us.yay! (: rejoice! haha.i wonder why i go to school since i don't have lessons at all while the rest have chinese.haha.see.taking higher chinese has its advantages.(: so cheryl, boon and me spent the two hours doing miss teh's card and i'm proud of our final product.(: we took pains to cut out words and pictures from cleo mag okay.hee.the performance was okay i guess except the balloons part which was highly annoying.i simply hate balloons.i almost killed everyone who were bursting them.so inconsiderate.hmpf.):

went j8 for lunch with the pistol girls' team and keith, ben and rong sheng after that.that keith just can't stop suaning me but i found out something new about him today! he uses handkerchief? haha.super ah pek lah.i couldn't stop laughing when i think about it.heh.(: anyway please tell me who has training after teachers' day? it was damn sad case.eveyone's chilling out and what are we doing? shooting.): haha.thank God coach didn't come today.if he sees my target cards he'll probably just shoot my ass off.sigh.my shooting's just deproving.):

by the way, I LOVE LALEE! :D she rocks my world totally! (: if you're reading this, i meant it from the bottom of my heart okay? i'm glad we're getting closer these days.heh.(:

okay.shall go do maths now.tata.(:

240806

blogger was down yesterday so i couldn't blog.): anyway ytd was just very strange.i met all kinds of weird people.early in the morning i took the lift with this man whom i've never seen in my whole entire life, supposedly living in the same block as me.and man.i swore his eyes were popping out. :/ seriously.it totally freaked me out.haha.then after school went town and saw this man who looked like he just crawled out from some rubbish bin.okay this is very mean but yeah.he walks without swinging his arms? so strange.oh yes.and there's also this ah pek wearing some funny funny sunglasses. :/ haha.

played frisbee for two hours today.damn shiok.(: haha.think all of us have turned into frisbee fanatics.heh.(: but i realised i'm getting darker which is bad news cos' i'll look like a malay.): anyway our dearest mr poh treated us ice-cream today.yay! :D i realised all our teachers are kind souls except for you know who.oh.and guess what? there are people who really think that i'm his daughter lah. "Are you really mr poh's daughter?" wahhh.freaking annoying.): thanks to ESMOND HWEE who goes around spreading all these nonsense.i swear i am going to kill him.haha.

gonna go eat dinner now and do maths tutorial after that.(: bye!


terrified again of not loving,
of loving and not loving you,
of being loved and not by you.
if you do not love me
i shall not be loved;
if i do not love you
i shall not love.

220806

phew.chem spa was quite easy.haha.and i didn't do the experiment at all? just pluck in my own figures.(: so i finished it within 20 min and the rest of the time i played with my graphic calculator.haha.

oh.today cheryl taught me how to play the intro for "what sarah said".it's damn nice but it's a super morbid song.): haha.and this sweet little girl wrote me a cute little card.(: i'm touched. :D



but I’m thinking of what sarah said
that love is watching someone die
so who’s gonna watch you die?

why will love be watching someone die? hmmm..

210806

my week just got off with a bad start.sigh.early in the morning i have no idea how but i just slammed the door on my fingers.): now my middle finger is swollen.perhaps it's my punishment for swearing ytd.

maths test was quite bad.haha.i'll be surprised if i pass but hopefully i will.don't want to get another 1/20 again.haha.that was quite comical actually.the worse thing was i had to help give out the papers from the highest to the lowest and mine was the very last one.mr poh just had to be so cruel.): hopefully mine will not be the bottom one this time round.(:

i think it's time to be happier.(: doug told me ytd that i looked very disturbed.hmm...do i? haha.thought i was smiling all the time.oh well.but he's very nice.(: tried to cheer me up with all his lame jokes.though they are extremely lame but yeah he just never fails to make me laugh.(: and i realised it's been ages ever since i've talked to him.but in the end i fell asleep without saying goodnight.whoops?

after school, studied in the library with cheryl for a while then met up with ziwei to eat.his treat since he owed me money.(: talked a lot but i got a little emotional and i just had to cry in front of him.malu shit.but he managed to make me laugh."you can cry on my shoulders if you want.i've got muscular arms." haha.stoopid guy.constantly trying to show off his toned arms like whatever.i don't care k.haha.=P and since we are singtel buddies, he has kindly reserved some sms for me so i can just bug him like crazy.yay.haha.(:

it's just amazing how God puts these people in my life.people who care for me and bring joy into my life.at least i know that i'm not alone.it makes me feel a lot better and i'm extremely thankful for them.(: and yes, ziwei if you are reading this, i'm motivated to study now not because i want to marry a fat rich and dying husband but because i don't want to disappoint the many people who care for me which includes you lah.(: BUT please do not get big-headed and think you're so important ya? haha.kidding. :D

okie dokes.i'm going to study right now and try my best to focus.yes focus! i can do it! (:
tata.


everlasting
your light will shine when all else fades
never ending
your glory goes beyond all fame
and the cry of my heart
is to give you praise
from the inside out
Lord, my soul cries out, Lord.

i'm just fucking frustrated.

why should i be so affected when you don't give a damn?

why should i think so much when you can't be bothered to?

i detest the word "but".

"i love you but...."

why but? sigh.

reconciliation or seperation? i really don't know.i guess i'll just leave it to God.

totally crushed.
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200806

100% ytd was a rather emotional one.i cried because somehow God just touched my heart and i realised how sinful i am.once again i was reminded of his unfailing love for me and i'm so ever grateful for that. :D

you are my God my life my all
and i live for you alone
i am yours evermore
heaven and earth will shout your praise
the wonder of your name
i'll proclaim evermore...

maybe it's time to just live for God alone and no one else.

i'm too tired to blog but shall update a little about today.

ran 3 rounds and played captain's ball for training.PHEW.gone were the 40 storey thingy.thank God.haha.(: at least i won't have to commit suicide.=P

went town with yy, tiff, clarence and gerard after training.on the way there, "quarrelled" with hong chin and as usual i won.(: stupid guy.just wouldn't admit that he can't beat me when it comes to arguing.haha.

yawns.i shall sleep now.goodnights.

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180806

this is so vexing.i'm sitting in the library now trying to rush my written report.): seriously pw just suck the life out of me.argh.and thinking i've to climb 40 storeys later for physical training, i can just jump down the building and die at this instant.

at least the air-con here is good.my source of comfort.haha.

one more day to 100%...yay! :D

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I'm still here- Vertical Horizon

I found the pieces in my hand
They were always there
It just took some time for me to understand
You gave me words I just can't say
So if nothing else
I'll just hold on while you drift away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
Still here

Seeing the ashes in my heart
The smile the widest
When I cry inside and my insides blow apart
I tried to wear another face
Just to make you proud
Just to make you put me in my place
But everything you wanted from me
Is everything that I could never be

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here

Maybe tonight
It's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today
It's gonna be okay
I will remember

I held the pieces of my soul
I was shattered and I wanted you to come and make me whole
When I saw you yesterday
But you didn't notice
And you just walked away
Cause everything you wanted me to hide
Is everything that makes me feel alive

The cities grow
The rivers flow
Where you are, I'll never know
But I'm still here
If you were right and I was wrong
Why are you the one who's gone
And I'm still here
The lights go out, the bridges burn
Once you're gone, you can't return
But I'm still here
Remember how you used to say I'd be the one to runaway
But I'm still here

170806

whee! i've found another sport that i love.frisbee! :D haha.it's damn fun.played for 3 hours today?

legs are aching like mad but i'm still feeling happy.good sign.(:

160806

i want to cut my hair!

okay.shall go cut tmr.(:

sigh.trying to do my stupid EOM draft 2.PW is just so annoying.taking up so much of my studying time.):




i'm afraid
afraid that the day will come very soon
the day that i've to let you go.

150806

i just realised it's been ages ever since i've laughed out loud.seriously.it just felt great. :D

went ya kun after lessons with boon and cheryl and we started reminiscing the past.talked about funny and embarrassing moments.(: i shall not say mine cos it's so maluating.heh.(: think cheryl's the funniest man.her sister flushed an apple down the toilet bowl and she didn't know so she went to shit.in the end she couldn't flush her shit down because the apple's stuck inside.instead, everything overflowed lah.gosh.it was super disgusting and her poor sister had to help her clean up while she stood aside and laughed.we just burst out laughing.it's super funny.(: i laughed til i cried.haha.boon has another story to tell.she remembered when feline was primary one, she sat beside this girl (can't rmb her name) and found out that something kept dripping from her pocket.guess what? it was an ice-cream lah.then the girl said because she couldn't finish it during recess so she kept it in her pocket so she can finish it after school.haha.so cute right? (:

oh yes.not to forget...
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUTHFI AND YOKES! :D

yay! no training tmr.(: shall go shopping with the two.(:

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julian-waking ashland

I will wait for you if you promise you will try
So please will you whisper to my head all your plans
I wanna understand

And why you running?
You're always running
Is it me you don't see?
But I'm still trying
You're always crying
to me, you never see
Just be honest with me

The seasons all change but my love stayed the same
And so I knew
Would you be my tomorrow?
Or better tomorrow what do you say?
She runs away

But why you running?
You're always running
Is it me you don't see?
But I'm still trying
You're always cryingto me, you never see
Just be honest with...

I'm still waiting for you
Why can't she wait for me?
Two birds flying over
They're getting tired just like me
Just like me

And why you running?
You're always running
Is it me you don't see?
But I'm still trying
You're always crying
to me, you never see
Just be honest with me

i'm addicted to this song.it's sad but nice.

140806

i'm pissed.
freaking pissed.
ARGHHHHHH.






i hate myself.

and once again tears keep falling from my eyes...

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130806

dg time was okay.just that everyone seemed exceptionally quiet today.there's like a sense of tension in the room. :/ haha.maybe cos of jiayun and shengjia sitting in but we still had a good time of sharing.(: yup.i'm glad that some of them opened up with problems they faced and in a way we can encourage and help one another.(:

talked to him a little after church.he thought i was crying so he came to ask whether i was okay.haha.i didn't cry lah but he insisted that i did.strange. :/ oh well.but i'm glad we're still on talking terms.at least things aren't that bad.(:

19 august 2006.let us give our 100% to God. :D

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just finished talking to teckjin.was giving him some suggestions we came up with during mtm for dgm.at least he doesn't have to struggle so much with it anymore.haha.(: then we just digressed a lot.talked about dgs, subjects, results, china scholars etc.haha.practically everything to do with school.it was fun talking to him.yup.(:

yawns.i'm getting sleepy.

goodnights!

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120806

studied with nathan for a short while.i guess it was unproductive cos we're just not in the studying mood and the environment was a little too noisy.haha.and i discovered that he is super pro in econs.future economist.good.can certainly help me in that.(: and yay.he's gg to invite me for his future wedding.yes! good food! (: okok.but it's good to see them so in love and ya having such a strong relationship.(: enviness.haha.i can only dream about that for now. :/

went for mtm after that and i'm glad i did.had a time of sharing and managed to get updated with what's going on currently.yup.talked to hilmay for a while and prayed.she just couldn't see why i could be so gracious.haha.i guess that's the way i am.sigh.and it's definitely not a good thing.):

gg out for dinner now.bye.

110806

wanted to go see fireworks but decided not to.too tired.): and i guess it'll be very crowded.

yawns.

might be studying with nathan tmr.

080806

cj's way of celebrating national day is just plain retarded.i dun see a point in walking all the way to mcRitchie reservoir then go home.i'd rather just watch a stupid concert and rot. :/ anyway class outing after that was fun.(: i'm glad i finally went for one.whoops? :D haha.went to eat at seoul garden.yum yum.tho i didn't eat much but still the food is good.(:




















































i'm carried in everlasting arms
you'll never let me go
through it all-

060806

yay.finished my korean show.(: happy ending.(: i love happy endings.(: how nice it would be to have every love story end happily.sigh.

will mine be a happy ending?

anyway hilmay gave me a very very belated birthday present.haha.very sweet of her.(: her words just never fail to encourage me and i really thank God for her. :D

back to studying.bye.

how i long to have you back in my arms again but i know it's all wishing thinking.
i guess i can only have you in my dreams...

050806

i'm addicted to my korean show.7 more episodes to go.(: mom wouldn't allow me to watch so i'd have to watch it secretly.shhh..(: haha.the guy's quite good looking and the girl's very sweet.perfect couple.(: new eye candies.(:

somehow watching this show made me feel very sad.

why why why

have to go do my chem tutorial now.

would you save the last dance for me?

040806

dunno why i'm feeling so extremely tired today when i actually slept at 10 last night? sigh.HORRORS.pimple outbreak and ugly eyebags.): anyway studied for 2 hours during my 5 hours break today and i guess it was quite an achievement.*clap clap clap* then the other 3 hours you can guess.yup slack and eat.haha.that's what i do best.(: then i fell aslp during econs tutorial.felt quite bad but she doesn't even care.oh well.had econs lecture case study test after that and as usual i didn't study.haha.so i couldn't do the test.i have myself to blame.lalala...

i'm going to mug like hell this weekend.i swear.

will you come back to me?

030806

watched helen the baby fox.wahhh.it's super sad.cried buckets of water.): the fox is damn cute seriously and the boy is damn cute too.haha.he has super chubby cheeks and huge ears! oh yes.and he skatesboard! cool huh? i'm in love with him! :D

daadeedeedum...(:

anyway the theatre we're in was in bad condition.it stinks man.like something's burning.and the chairs are basically rocking chairs.sue lido! haha.but that's not the worst.some inconsiderate woman didn't switch her phone to silent mode so it rang at the saddest moment.she picked it up and went "HELLO?" super loudly.how anti-climax can? but it was quite funny so we ended up crying and laughing and rocking.hahaha.(:

i still can't stop thinking about you.

0208006

pictures taken on speech day.(:
















whee! happy moments! :D
























my most loved partner!! yueqi!! :D
























i miss 4s1. ):


anyway, i did a good deed today.donated one buck.haha.better than nothing right? (: yay! boon has agreed to lend me korean dvd.happiness.(: i can forget about studying this weekend.heh.hmm..let see.nothing significant about today.wait.yes.there's cannibalism and it's the grossiest thing i've ever read.yuck.how can anyone severe one's ermm..sexual organ and eat it with garlic? sick shit man.after eating together, the guy just killed the other guy and eat him up.how retarded.argh.

i'm damn tired.feel sickish now.lots of work to do today but i'm gg to sleep for now.bye.(: